I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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