I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
