the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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