I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
