Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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