So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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