Betty ford says i'm here all night
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
its liver damage thursday
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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