Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize