I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
