she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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