I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
everyone is single if you try hard enough
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
