Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
