Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
