So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
