u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
