and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Hippo gnu deer
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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