i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
