i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
