I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
