I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
