I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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