so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
