There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
