I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
