my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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