i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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