you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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