Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My dick has a subreddit
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
