it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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