god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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