I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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