I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
