My room smells like vodka and shame
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
