Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
