You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
