I'm so fucking centered right now
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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