I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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