tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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