i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
