Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
