I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My bed smells like the plague
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