Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
