So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
