I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
