you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
