He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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