Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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