sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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