he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
