I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
