Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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