My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
