She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
