I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
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