I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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