I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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