the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i dont even know how to be here
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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