I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
