my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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