So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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